The Journey

It wasn't until i plucked a gray hair from my head that I realized I didn't have forever. I didn't have forever to enjoy my youth. I didn't have forever to get into my best shape. I didn't have forever to fall into my dream job. And I didn't have forever to write my first book. It seemed though that I have been living my life thinking that I had forever. Tomorrow I will work on my novel. Tomorrow I will work on my resume. Tomorrow I will call that friend I havn't talked to in months. But what if tomorrow never comes. Was I happy with the person I am today? Am I happy being the student, the professional, the daughter, the girlfriend, the friend that I am. The answer was no.

On the brink of my 24th birthday I came to realize that life is short and that I have been living much of my life fixated on the past. Worry consumed me for so many years. I realized that my worries were created my own road block to achieving my goals.

I'm not perfect. I never will be. I used to spend my life trying to perfect. But after several failed attempts, I found a way to be content with my imperfections. I still struggle with myself. But I know that to become the person I want to be, it is an internal and external process. My journey has just begun.

Better Days

Happiness is a goal worth achieving. Sure its nice to have nice things, and titles, and awards. But at the end of the day, do those things really make you happy, do they make you perfectly content. Sometimes I find myself saying "If i just buy this one item, I'll be satisfied," but then I come to quickly to find that I'm not satisfied. I want something better, something bigger, or something different. I'd been pondering ways to make a change in my life. To bring in something new, something that would pull me out of rut. I have come to find that happiness comes in so many ways, shapes and forms.

Someone told me once that they everything was just more fun when they were with their husband. How wonderful it must be to know that you enrich someones life like that. And then I thought, maybe if we all surround ourselves with people who make us laugh instead of cry, we might see better days. Maybe in return we could try to be that person to another.

Magnifying Glass

Just before the summer sun set behind the hills, I jumped on an old 70's vintage Schwinn and began to ride. I let the cool summer air fill my lungs as a petaled, twisting and turning around the perfect subdivision. As I winded through the road I noticed the rows of identical houses-- houses of brick and stone; houses with immaculately manicured lawns; houses with big bay windows and driveways. As I peddled fast and faster past these houses, I thought to myself "Is originality completely dead?" ...But then I looked closer. As I looked at the houses I realized that they were not identical, but that each house had something, somewhere that made it unique. There were houses with bright purple tulips and houses with daises; houses with swing sets and basketball courts. There was a house with an American flag raised high; there was a house with a life size doll house in the driveway. As I looked closer I realized that every house had a story-- and that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover--Well this is also true of people. We so often find ourselves caught up in the mainstream, following trends, becoming a victim of societal norms. But more so than trying not to fall into a stereotype, we need to learn to not stereotype others. Everyone has something remarkable to offer. Put a magnifying glass to someone and you may be surprised at what you find. To look deeper into a person and find that thing that makes them stand out is the real challenge.

I am a dreamer...and I don't want to wake up

I am a dreamer…I always have been. I don’t want typical things and I don’t want to live a typical life. I want to be extraordinary. But in the unrelenting episodes of life, I fear that I am loosing myself—a dreamer. Pessimism has swallowed my dreams whole. As unemployment rates skyrocket, my optimism for landing my dream job disintegrates. In a world where we are judged by what we do, not who we are, it becomes dreadfully troubling to be working a less that satisfactory job—or to not have a job at all. The negativity that surrounds me has clouded my vision—my vision for greatness. But I don't want to believe that I can't suceed, that my dreams are unreachable. If others have reached the same dream--why can't I. I refuse to be product of an indiviual living with their second choice.

But more vital than hard work and success is love. However indiscretions, adultery and selfishness have evaporated the feelings I used to get when I heard the word. Now I feel anger towards the way some people disgrace a sentiment so effortlessly. Some seem to treat love as a false emotion, but perhaps beneath the surface, they act the way they do because they have yet to find it. Perhaps they are envious—or perhaps they think that they are above it. If they have never experienced the feeling of love—the breath-taking, heart racing, speechless, feeling of love, they can only muddle in their ignorance. I will not let the numbness that surrounds me shadow my heart—I will love whole heartedly. I refuse to believe that heartbreak and divorce is all that comes of love. I refuse to let go of the gleam in my eyes and the rhythm of my heart when I see the man I love.

I am a dreamer…I always have been. I want it all. I want to be a writer, a dancer, a lover, and a best friend. I want to work hard so I can lay with my feet in sand staring off at the immense ocean with the man I love—and who loves me. I am a dreamer…and I don’t want to wake up.

Flash

So I woke up today and realized that I'm 23 years old. OH MY GOD when did this happen. I can honestly say that I have NO idea where the time went. I think about the past and I remember going to classes, skipping classes, going to parties, making friends and loosing friends. I remember the moments that mattered but I cannot conceive the fact that its been 5 years since I bought that first college textbook. I remember making these decisions about switching my major and thinking id be in school forever...and now here I am with a BA in Communication. But what scares me is that I'm not sure I am where I thought Id be. I had so many aspirations. I wanted to be a dancer, but of course that's not a realistic goal right? I fear that I let practicality replace originality and desire. I think about the things I would still like to do; get a masters degree, travel, write, get married. When I turn 28, will I accomplished everything I set out to do.

So then I have to think about whats been holding me back from pursuing my dreams. Fear of failure. I loved to dance. It was my physical, emotional, and creative release. It made me feel on top of the world. But in today's world you cannot make it as a dancer unless you are the best...and i wasn't the best. Who knows...maybe I could have been if I had pushed harder but endless auditions and with negative endings seems almost too much to bare. I just wasn't strong enough.

I want to write a book. Actually, I want to write lots of books. But again, The fact that my deepest feelings and creations could be rejected is absolutely terrifying. But what might be even more terrifying is to wake up five years from now and not accomplishing any of my dreams. So now I to push and keep pushing. I'll get there.

Money can't buy happiness...but it can certainly create unhappiness

The economy...the focus of everyone's thoughts, decisions and conversation. Our current economical situation has significantly effected our everyday lives. Airports are less crowed, restaurants are empty and homes are foreclosing at a devastating rate. As a recent college grad, the effects of a poor economy have really hit home. Thankfully, I have a job, where as so many people are being laid off. Or instead of being laid off, people are excepting jobs that they are way more qualified for, taking pay cuts and basically leading miserable lives just to pay the bills. When you are young, you fantasize about your dream job; being writer, a teacher, or a fashion designer. You go to school, get the degree, and fill your head with hopes and dreams, and the next thing you know your making 10 dollars an hour filing paper work and getting coffee. Sure, they might offer benefits but at the cost of 200 dollars a pay check. Not much of an incentive. so what are you to do when you've graduated full of debt and responsibility--and no job to back it up? They say life is short. They say live life to the fullest. But can we really do that when we are forced to take mediocre jobs for insignificant pay. Yes I'm sure many believe that money cant buy happiness, but the lack there of certainly contributes to unhappiness. I don't think anyone will be to pleased if they can't pay their bills or afford to buy gifts for holidays or even enjoy the occasional glass of wine and a nearby cocktail bar. I'm also sure it makes people very unhappy that they can't take their boat up north because of gas prices. People simply are not traveling or shopping. I walked in a retail store the other day and picked up a sweater. A year or so ago, a sweater from this particular store ranged from 70 to 90 dollars. The current price tag however read 150 dollars. It was shocking! I wanted to contact their headquarters right then and say Hello do you realize we are in a recession.

The bottom line and the reason for this mundane statement is that something needs to change. But how can we do that. The answer is circulation. But we can't have circulation if people are not spending money. And people can spend money right now cause they simply just don't have it. It is a viscous cycle that we've not yet figured out how to break. But I hope we do very soon for everyone's sake.